I always knew deep within…
(Written by a young woman)
I think I always knew deep down that satisfaction with oneself comes from within and not from comparison. Sometimes I think that I so much despise this competitive attitude because this is the part I hate in myself too, I need to prove I am better. Prove it to myself of course, and then the others. It comes from this “first sight”: you see someone pretty, well dressed and you think: “competition”. Then you take a few and you think “well, she’s probably dumb”, or “she has acne” or “she has cellulite” and then you go on with what you are doing relaxed because in your head you “win”. It is the same concept as in “will I find someone better” – it’s the comparison. So instead of concentrating on “what I want”, “what I am”, I concentrate on “how am I better”.
I must have always thought that by this time (whatever this “this” means) I will achieve something I am proud of. But in my brains I haven’t really. I mean I did things right, I went to school, I went to work – I went with the flow, I was good at what I did, I have certain knowledge and credibility I guess and I am in New York which has always been my dream! And then I feel small. I feel that here, all these people, they also “made it” and there is nothing so special about it after all. It’s the comparison. “Why didn’t you get an A – what did the others get”. The others. I am better. I am first in class. “Amazing Amy” from “The gone girl”. A girl that could never give up. Is it this then? Is there a cure for this perfectionism?
I truly see and I truly feel that we get in life as much as we believe we can get. I see it all around me. A person can be “it” and have it all, but is very unhappy, or small, or just grey because no matter what this person does, he/she feels unsatisfied, always. If we believe we can reach for the skies – we can. This is what my inner self believes. She aims higher, she will not “settle” until she is satisfied. And if she is not? Well, then she will keep on going, and keep on smiling to life, she has faith. If I hold my back straight and feel good about myself I even feel taller. I feel sexy, desired and all those things this inner-confident girl is feeling.
But then I hunch, and then I cross my arms and feel small and fat and not interesting.
How do we stop comparing ourselves? How do we stop weighting it all and just listen to ourselves? Listen to our true selves, to what we really want and who we truly are without this exterior that dominates. How do we stop giving shit about it finally and start being ourselves? Seems like the most important struggle of this life isn’t it?
Today was a good day. I felt that girl, she was within me for like 5 seconds, I caught her glimpse, and she looked exactly the same as before only better, stronger, more confident, she was not only at peace but she walked with confidence and she smiled to the world.
Oh how I wish she was here more often.