High maintenance

(Written by a young woman)

I guess I consider myself “high maintenance” when it comes to my relationships with men. I am difficult, opinionated, naughty, demanding, have extremely high expectations of everyone (myself included). I guess I see myself as “heavy” and I imagine men to be not attracted by it unless they want somewhat of a challenge. Especially That Man, ironically, the one who is strong and leading and going forward. Somehow I think that this strong man only exists when a woman beside him is weak. There is not enough space on top of a mountain, unless… Unless we are on neighboring mountains, standing in the same valley, overlooking this magnificent view, feeling the warmth of the same sun and yet each on their own peak. Is it too much of a fairytale? Or two boats sailing in the same direction, side by side, each one with their own wheel, but guided by same winds.

I guess the question of reassurance is the biggest one. How can we be sure that this boat does not sail away? How can we be sure this boat doesn’t catch another wind, or somehow finds itself sailing next to yet some other boat? I guess our society has taught us to count on the social commitment: marriage, house, etc But then again, how can we be sure? And following the same metaphor, do we want to have a boat tied with chains attached? What pleasure is there in such a journey?

I guess somewhere deep within I wouldn’t mind to sail in someone else’s boat. I mean in theory it is such a great concept when someone takes charge, takes control and blame and all that doubt, the risk. I got to think about this woman, the Jung anima woman, the one who becomes whatever we imagine her to be, a chameleon of sorts. Sometimes I think I’d like to have her “lightness”, hear easy-going dedication and perhaps flexibility. How nice would it be to not have this character, the opinion, the rage, the passion and will to stand by my values, thoughts, dreams, to stay true to self. Instead, to float, to sit and observe, smile, love… I see that in this abandonment to a man lies a certain type of femininity that is so attractive and at the same time it drives me mad to see this! Is it something I have within that I despise, can’t accept? Or maybe it is something I could never have and all this thought is driven yet again by competition and the wish to be the best, to have it all?